I was sent out to the Colony on Palex-4 to investigate some funny accounting on behalf of the HRS, the Human Revenue Service. Docking went smoothly. A voice over the console said that Harry, the ship’s head accountant, was on his way to the docking bay to meet me. As the hatch to my small cruiser opened, I learned that Harry was more than appropriately named. In fact he quite resembled a bear. A bear naked one at that.
Palex for was, apparently, a nudist colony… I hate nudist colonies. Somebody back in the home system was having a good laugh at my expense.
I tried to smile without throwing up as I shook Harry’s hand. Who knows where it’s been. The smooth white walls, the dextrian carpeting, everything; everything seemed dirty to me. Contaminated. Harry wanted to get straight to work. The people we passed in the hallway snickered and whispered to each other as we passed by. I did my best to keep my eyes focused on the back of Harry’s head. I suppose they all found me completely ridiculous. These fools didn’t have any concept of how much my clothes were worth. On any other colony in the sector I would be hearing gasps and complements. My shoes were made of pure dragon leather, they alone were worth as much as an industrial jet-pack. Needless to say, I didn’t purchase them with my government salary. However, I don’t really like to get into my personal finances with strangers.
In the board room, I had trouble paying attention to the files. I couldn’t stop thinking about all of the butts that had been in the chair my designer slacks now occupied. I said that my journey had left me a bit exhausted. Harry was happy to show me my quarters. There was digipad on the coffee table. A brochure was open. I picked up and laid down on the bed. I reminded myself that even the cheapest motels do a decent job of sterilizing their beds. I promised myself that once I got out of here, I’d found out who put me here and I’d get some sort of retribution. For the time being though, I’d try to relax and come to terms with my situation.
The brochure eased a lot of my concerns about sanitation. Apparently, almost all the surfaces in the colony, including seating, were self-cleaning. On top of this, baday units put a sort of resin or mask on everyone’s, you know, asses. Nevertheless, I wasn’t ready for all of that nakedness.
Harry came to my door a few hours later to ask me if I would like to eat. I didn’t want to leave the safety of room, but I couldn’t argue with my stomach. Besides, now was as good a time as any. I said yes and attempted to prepare myself mentally for the harrowing journey ahead. Just as I started to lift my foot into the corridor, Harry stopped me. “You know,” Harry said, “You might find you’ll fit in better if you leave this suit behind and put on your birthday suit instead.”
I was horrified. “I wouldn’t feel comfortable.”
“If you’re worried out getting erection in public I can assure you that nobody here would hold it against you.”
“It’s not…”
“It’s perfectly normal for someone who isn’t used to being…”
“I’M NOT,” I started to yell then noticed a woman walking by, glaring. “I’m not worried about stiffing a woody or something.”
“I’m sorry, then. So, what it is it?”
“I just like wearing clothes. That’s all.”
Harry shrugged, “Fair enough. Let’s eat.”
Dinner was awkward. Sitting there in my expensive clothes surrounded by people confidently clothed in their own skin, I felt like I was the naked one. I felt completely exposed in my expensive, unnecessary clothes.
The following afternoon, after a night of serious contemplation, I decided to go to lunch in the buff. I brought my rather outdated briefcase with me, not because I was thinking about work. I tried to walk normally but automatically moved the briefcase in-between my genitals and others whenever they appeared. People still stared at me, but I got the impression that it was due more to my newness than to my behavior. I met Harry in the dining room. He was a little more happy than I was comfortable with that I had chosen to go native. He even tried to give me a hug.
The rest of my stay on Palex-4 was quite nice. I even walked through one of the colonial gardens, albeit with shoes on. I did have one more awkward moment. I found myself aroused once while up and about. An embarrassed mother turned her child away.
When I finally arrived back in the Sol star system I almost forgot to put my clothes back on before leaving my ship. It was only a matter of hours before I found out who had put on Palex-4. It was Gunther, and he made no secret of it. He spent the better part of the afternoon poking fun at me and asking me sophomoric questions about my stay. He obviously wasn’t anymore comfortable with his body than I was when I first arrived on Palex-4. I pretended that the entire trip had been awful. Many of my other coworkers were jealous. Apparently nudity was secretly quite popular. This gave me an idea.
I spent the next month outing all of the closet nudists in the HRS and convincing them to go nude in the office for a day without telling Gunther. The look on his face that day is something that I will never forget. Not so much because it was funny, although it was hilarious, but because looking at him that day was like looking into a mirror and seeing my past self.
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